Fmk - A big day!

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! I saw you today. I found out that you are going to be baby girls. Katy and Penelope, possible spelling change to Katy. And you went to Disney. And both Nana and Mema got a lot of pink stuff. And you went on It's A Small World already so that totally means that I never have to take you on that ride again. Right? We got a DVD of mommy's ultrasound that I will be making copies of and sending to various family members. And I might broadcast it for my school. I will at least be showing the pictures. I am overwhelmed by this day. I am excited at the thought of what kind of girls you will be. Punk rock or preppy? Glam or jam? Either way I really do not care. I want you healthy, that's all. Everything else is just gravy. And now...bed. It has been a long day and this post is going to turn to rubbish right quick if I do not stop. More soon.

FMK - We got stuff!

Woot! Stuff! Baby stuff! Like bottles and diapers and swings and shit. It's almost like we are ready to have babies in the house. I don't know if we will ever really be ready per se. I mean, what is ready exactly? But there are now the things that are needed for proper baby having procedures in the house. AND I built one of them. As a side note, I like to put stuff together. There is a very primal sense of satisfaction from taking some parts and making a thing. Your Nana is here and dropping coin like it's her job. And your mom and I appreciate the hell out of it. We could have you tomorrow and be OK. We even have amazing blankets that make me jealous. Why is it babies that get the softest things? Do adults not like being comfortable?
See, in life there are needs and wants. I remember my seventh grade social studies teacher, Mr. Heidemark, giving a very excellent lesson on the concept of needs and wants. It was explained through the X-Men and that amazed my twelve year old mind. We have the stuff we need. The stuff we want is a giant list that is never ending. And that's life, a giant list of stuff you want. A bigger house, nicer car, more toys, newest electronics. Hell, even babies was on my want list. But now, that you are on the way, the focus needs to shift to what you need. I will still buy toys and electronics. Having you in my life does not mean I have to stop enjoying those things, it means I get to enjoy them with you. And that is awesome. But, I do need to get you what you need. And you need bottles. And pacifiers. And diapers. And bibs. And clothes. And a lot of other stuff. And you will have those things you need. And I will do my best to get you what you want. I was spoiled and I want to spoil you. I cannot wait to take you to the toy store. Or clothes shopping. Or to the skate shop. Or wherever makes you happy. But I do find it interesting how the things you need are becoming the things I want. That is pretty cool. I like thinking that we got you the best pacifiers there are. I love the swing we got you. Mostly because it turns into your own pimp chair for when you are older and chillin' with dad watching baseball. I love having this stuff because I love that we are having you. Like a lot. Like big huge.
The important thing here is to remember to teach you the difference between need and want. And that it is OK to have wants. Your wants make you interesting. And the give you a reason to do. Now my main reason is you. I won't lie, I like things. I like to have new electronics and clothes and whatnot. If I had a lot of money, I would have a ridiculous shoe collection. That seems silly but it is true. I would buy out the Adidas and New Balance outlet stores. Zappos.com would be my homepage. I would have a shoe closet to rival a fashion models. BUT, never at your expense. You now come first. And will for along time. At least until you have "real" jobs. And probably a little after that.
But for now, we will continue to get the things you need. The baby section of our local big box retailers will be mapped to my brain. I will be able to tell complete strangers where to find baby wipes at a number of local Targets. And it's OK because it's what I want.

FMK - Planning for your future

So your Nana came to town today. She is visiting us, and you, and going to the ultrasound to find out if you are boys or girls. She brought along some of your mom's old school yearbooks. Your mom was a cutie. ANYWAY, the entire time we were looking at them all I could think about was what your stories will be. And how my plans may or may not be in those stories. You see, when looking at a yearbook, you remember things. Some things are good, some are bad. Some are the types of stories you will continue to tell the rest of your lives. These are the stories that you probably don't want to tell mom and dad, at least not until they cannot ground you any longer. Than there are other stories that make you sad. People you were friends with, or that had some bad shit happen to them. We all have those stories. And the funny thing is, all of those stories are the same. In every school across the land there are the same exact stories. Yet, they are so personal to us. The things that happen while we are in school, or at least at that age, define who we are. There is some pivotal shit. And most of it you do not remember until you see a yearbook. Those people who influenced your lives, like my friend Billy who showed me the Herbie Hancock album Headhunters, or Justin who introduced me to Taosim, those people exist in this perfect little bubble of a memory. And the reason I find this interesting is because I now realize that they had parents. Now, that sounds silly on the surface but, they had more than moms and dads. They had people who planned their lives, who tried to guide their children to do certain things. These people sat and thought about their children's lives just like I am thinking about yours. And they made plans. Grand plans that involved their children being great people. And I wonder, as I look at a yearbook, did those plans work out? How much control do I really have? I know that I have influence, I know that. But control is kind of this intangible thing we think we can measure, at least in terms of children. I guess what I am trying to say, and yes I realize that this is a disjointed post but I am very tired, is that I don't think I am going to make many plans. I am going to be and you are going to be. Hopefully that works out alright and you become the people that are remembered fondly when a yearbook spine is cracked open and those memories flood back. I just realized this tonight. My plan is to be. I guess I really am a Taoist at heart. Thanks Justin.
PS - Nana brought me a rock-on t shirt. Nana rules! It is seriously the bees knees.

FMK - Jealousy

So as of right now your mom can feel you move and kick. She said it's like a rumbling in her belly. Kind of like when you get nervous and your stomach goes all fluttery. I on the other hand, cannot fell you move or kick. And I think that's bullshit. I really want to. I try to get a fell and I can't. Your mom really wants me to fell you moving as well. She is very upset when I have my hand on her belly and you move and I give no reaction. Hopefully soon. I don't know what feeling you move will change, if anything. Maybe it will make your impending birth more tangible. Right now, even though I know you are in there, it is totally a you and your mom situation. I am like an innocent bystander. And that sounds very sad, and it sort of is. Not emo sad, but sad. I want to be part of your lives now. Unlike some men, I have no desire to pregnant. I will never understand the desire some men have to feel the physical part of pregnancy. That is wholly weird to me. More people need to be comfortable with who they are and what they can experience. But anyway, I want to be involved, not pregnant. Maybe felling you move will make me a little closer to you. I already talk to you when your mom is asleep. Not that I feel weird talking to you in front of her, I don't. Well, not really. But when she is asleep, it's jsut us, me and my kids. I don't say a lot, just shit like "hi". I tell you that I can't wait to meet you and that I hope I'm a good dad and whatnot. And I know you can't respond verbally. That's why I want to feel a kick or someething. To let me know that you know I'm there. It should happen soon. I'm not good at the whole patience thing though. So hurry up or hit harder or something ;)

FMK - Books continued

So we have started with Desperaux. You got three chapters last night. And you were kicking and squirming while I was reading. I'm not sure if that is a good thing but I think it is. I really didn't feel very silly. I mean, a little silly maybe but not totally. The book is not bad. I have to get more familiar with it so I know how to best perform it. I think that is what I am most looking forward to, being able to perform books for you. It is one of my very most favorite parts of my job. The students I work with seem to appreciate it. Well, most of them do. But, I know you will. I am going to ruin other teachers for you. Noone will read books as well as your dad. Not no way, not no how.

FMK - Books!

So we have purchased your first books. As we browsed through the selection at our local bookstore it occured to me that there are a lot more cooler books for kids than when I was younger. I suppose the massive success of the Harry Potter franchise is responsible. But, I gotta say, I am jealous. And because I have not read many of the newer titles available, we decided to go with a classic series and a new "classic". Your first books are the Wrinkle in Time series and The Tales of Desperaux. Now here is the thing about these selections that makes me happy. Both have movies associated with them. And from what I hear, they are shitty movies. So, with your first books, you get to see early that the books are almost always better than the film. I am looking foraward to reading these to you. I hope you enjoy them.

FMK - Story Time

Tomorrow your mom and I will be going to the bookstore to get a few books to start reading to you. I am really excited about this and felling a little silly at the same time. I mean, I know that you can hear me. And that is important, that you know my voice before you arrive. But, I will be reading to a stomach. Into a microphone actually, that will be resting on a stomach. And that's weird. But it's ok. I read to a bunch of kids everyday at work, and I will read to you at home. The bigger question is what books to get? Since you cannot yet understand what is being read, should I get something I want to read? Or would hearing the nonsense that I read be bad for you? (not that I dislike what I read, just that it is off kilter mostly) I will probably stick with some simple things at first and move up to harder stuff later. Probably not a drastic jump like Dr. Seuss to Hume but Golden Books to Lemon Snicket might be in the cards. Either way, off to do research. Reading begins tomorrow.

FMK - Room decorations

Monkeys or Ladybugs? Trains or Baseballs? Gender specific or gender neutral? So many options its sick. Really. The fact that we will soon have to decide on what your room will look like is maddening. It truly is. See, the walls are painted a deep brown. Like someone came over with a shit-ton of left over brownie batter and said hey, "these walls are naked. How about some batter?" But, truth be told, I love it. It's super rad. It's like the walls Willy Wonka would have in his house. And, it is neutral. We always planned for the "guest room" to be your room. Right from the start. But now that you are coming soon, like a summer blockbuster, we have decisions to make. Whatever we get will have to match the bedspread. This is what I have been told. Your dad has never been good at matching. I mix warms and cools apparently. And since the bedspread has a tree thing going on (don't worry, they are cool trees, very zen) our options are somewhat limited. Trees and planes do not match. Unless there was an accident and who wants to be reminded of that every night. That fact eliminates trains straight away as well. But, elephants would go nicely. I love elephants. They are my favorite big animal. They are really peaceful and awesome. But, most elephant stuff is blue and blue=boy. Why is that? Why are elephants a boy thing? What if both of you are girls? Does that mean no elephants? Monkeys always seem to be gender neutral. So that is probably what it will be. And make no mistake, monkeys are damn cute. They are like other peoples mischevious children. But why are they gender neutral? It might end up, if you are both ladies, with some ladybugs thrown in as well. Your mom has a thing for ladybugs or rather, they have a thing for her. They follow her. All the time. In places they should not be (like a seventh floor apartment). So they get a spot. But what else? And do you even care? I don't think you do. I do not envision a future time where one or both of you come to me and say. "Dad; fuck monkeys! You ruined my life! I wanted puppies!" So why is this such a big decision? I suppose we all have a desire for people to come to the house, and they will, and look at the room and remark upon its cuteness. To say wonderful things about what a happy and great place for a child to sleep. To think that we are caaring parents because we bought shit from the baby section. If I had my way, boys or girls, the walls would be pinstriped and there would be a Yankee Stadium facade boarder along the top. I would put up shelves of Yankee stuff, toys and memorabilia, to look at while you sleep. I'm the one who has to be in there, at random times of the day, taking care of you. It should be for me. The rest of the house is for me I know, but, that's how I feel. I would even concede to putting some Yankee PJs on a monkey. But no, the room will be set up like a magazine ad. Because it should. Because I do not want people to think I don't care because I really do. Because I want to be seen as a good dad who did right by his kids.
But mostly because I have looked and I cannot find a facade boarder ;)

FMK - Finding a doctor

It may not seem like such a big deal. You look at your insurance policy, find a doctor close to you, maybe even talk to a friend, and you go and have a baby. Not so. It is hard. Your mother went to a new doctor today. One where she feels comfortable. And that's important. You see, the first doctor we went to up and disappeared. Just, gone. No warning. No explanation. Not even so much as a phone call. So, we went to a new doctor. Not the greatest place. The clientele left something to be desired and the staff, left a little something more to be desired. I do not think it is too much to ask people to be proficient at their jobs. Not great mind you. Not above and beyond, just competent. Well, after misread or just plain ignored medical charts, rough nurses, and overall bad experience, we have found a new doctor. And that is what matters. Your mother is happy with them. She feels at ease. That is all I care about at this point in time. The more comfortable she is, the better the situation will be for you. We want you healthy and happy. We want you safe. We want to know who the doctor is going to be before he sticks his hand in your mother's bits, not after. I have not met them yet but your mom is a good judge of character. It is her job after all. She says they are good people and I believe her. I have to. I have no frame of reference for this sort of doctor. So as it stands, you will be born at Lakeland Regional Hospital. Which is good. It is right around the corner from where we currently live. If your mother needs to go see the doctor, she does not have to take time off from life to do so. It now becomes part of life. Plus it means I do not have to drive to Brandon when you are born which trust me, is not the most simple of drives. So I am excited. Everyday things are being taken care of. Progress is being made. Soon we will know whether you are boys or girls and we can start buying shit. It is very hard to walk past things at Target and the like and not buy them. I want your room to be awesome. With monkeys. I mean, who doesn't love monkeys. So soon, we will know. And soon you will be here. And I cannot wait.

FMK - Florida

When you are born you will live in Florida. The sunshine state. The weather here is great, most of the time. Every now and again we have a week like this week. You see, Florida is a warm state. It is supposed to be warm to hot most of the year. Today, it hovered around freezing. Currently, at 10:38 pm it is 38 degrees. That is cold. Not the coldest I have ever been but cold nonetheless. Your mother and I left New Jersey for a number of reasons, the weather being one of them. In Jersey, it gets very cold. Below zero cold. And that... is unreasonable. But here, it's good. The reason I am writing about this tonight is because it occurs to me that it will be awhile before you see snow. Sure you will see pictures of it and movies that have snow covered locales. But the actual stuff, who knows. And that really kind of sucks. Some of my favorite memories are waking up on a chilly winter morning and listening to the local news, KYW 1060 AM from Philadelphia. And I would wait patiently for the announcement of whether or not my school was closed. I knew that I would have to make up the day at the end of the year but I did not care. All I could think about was calling my best friend Nick and making plans for the day off. Those plans were simple at first, go sleading at the ditch. Where I used to live had a big ditch that would get covered in snow. It had great hills for sleading. Once we got older, those plans turned into football or snowball wars or other such nonsense. It was fantastic. There was nothing better than going out to simply play. To just be kids free of any type of worry. Those days were perfect. You got to hang out with friends, do some cool shit, and come home for hot chocolate. Your Mema was clutch with the hot chocolate. Everytime I walked in the door from a day of snow-time, withing minutes there would be hot chocolate. And the good stuff, Swiss Miss, with whipped cream. And not just for me but anyone I brought over as well. My house was where all the kids came to. Everyone lived my mom. Just like everyone will love your mom. I know she cannot wait to have you experience the same sort of day and bring you and your friends lemonade or sweet tea or whatever the hell else is popular when you get to that age. I know she cannot wait to do this because she is going to be an awesome mom. One for the ages. I just know you are gonna love her.

FMK - A Great Day

Today was a great day. First, I got to hear your heartbeats. And you moving around. And your mom's digestion at work. But I heard you. It was awesome. It is so surreal to know that what I am hearing is my kids. It's crazy. I can't wait to hear more. I can't wait for you to get bigger so that I can hear you better. Right now we cannot really tell a difference between the two of you. Your heartbeats are kind of hard to hear. We are really lucky that we can hear them at all. In about two weeks we should be able to hear them much more distinctly. But that does not take away from the fact that I can hear you. With the device we bought, we can also read to you. Its got this really cool microphone that has no bad waves. So, we can talk to you or read to you. Which we will do soon. We also can play music for you. I am still researching the best kind to play. Rest assured that while I will play classical for you, my ipod selection is robust. It is really awesome that I can start your musical discovery so early.
Today was also great because we have a new president. He is a man called Barack Obama and he is the first black president in the history of this country. That is huge. Big huge. It opens the door to hopefully a better world for you to live in. One where there is actual peace between people. A world where holding the door for a coomplete stranger is the norm rather than the exception. See, right now, the world is not so great. There are problems all over. War and terror and economic crisis and hate and so much more. But, today, we maybe took a step forward. Maybe we are now on a path to right some of the wrongs. I beleive in this man. I beleive that he will help to bring about a better future for you. I will help of course. I want the world you inherit to be a better one than I did. I do not want you to grow up scared and hateful. That is my job as a dad to teach you right but it is also the job of the world to get its collective shit together. We need to care.
Perhaps this day ushers in a new era where anything is possible. Perhaps you will be president or one of you. Either way I am excited.

FMK - A quick post

Tonight will be quick. Mainly because we got a heart monitor today and we need to try it. I need to hear you two. But also because in addition to that heart monitor it can with a microphone! That's right, music for you. I need to do some research about what music is best to play for your kids in the womb. I know classical is the thing but I want to find out about other music as well. Like, how about Bob Marley? If I play a lot of Bob for you will you come out mellow and funky? Or The Postal Service? If I play them will you come out really awesome and prone to liking UPS commercials? Either way I cannot wait. So short post tonight. Research and music tomorrow.

FMK - Missing a post

Sorry. I missed one. It is my goal to have an updated post everyday for as long as I can. Yesterday, it didn't happen. I was watching a movie with your mom and the next thing I knew it was morning. Which is what I expect the first few months of your lives will be like. Lots of sleepless nights and falling asleep in my work clothes. But that is ok. It will be worth it. Your mother and I spent part of Saturday wandering Toys R Us. We looked at all the crazy shit that is out now. And I have to say, if both of you are girls, neither of you will have Bratz dolls. I am by no means a shy or shameful person. I am comfortable with me. However, I will not give my kids dolls that look like pornstars. Exactly like pornstars. It is ridiculous. Barbie is bad enough. These toys should not be on shelves, at least not for little girls. These are the types of toys that should be sold at adult shops. Seriously. The things are just wrong. They will not be in my house. And as far as boys toys are conserned, I would love to avoid whatever the latest anime fad is. I know I won't be able to but I damn sure want to try. More on the toys at another time.
Again, I will do my best to get a posting everyday. Sorry that i slipped.

FMK - Your names

It has been decided. After much debate, discussion and a smidge of filibustering, we have collectively come to a conclusion. Your names are set in stone, again. I don't think they will change this time. I have thought that before. Either way, as it stands right now your names are Daniel Logan and Richard Parker if you are boys and Katy Rose and Penelope Hero if you are girls. The first that needs explanation is Hero. Hero is a character from Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare. Your mother and I love Shakespeare. He is quite simply the greatest writer to have ever lived. Hero, in the play, is the sweetest, most beautiful girl in all the world. It only seems fitting that my daughter would carry the same name. Penelope is a name your mother has loved for a very long time. It is meaningful to her and her childhood. Katy comes from our love of baseball. The song, Take Me Out to the Ballgame is about a girl named Katy. Rose is simply nice and classy. Plus, it is a Doctor Who reference so there you go. Daniel would be named after me, my father, and my grandfather. Logan ties to your Irish roots as well as being comic book related. Richard is the name of your grandfather on your mother's side. Parker again ties to comics. It may seem silly that we are taking names from books, shows, and comics. But, these things are important to us. You are important to us. Therefore, your names must fit accordingly. There were many other possibilities. Some you may have even liked more. But, you do not get a say. Not unless you pay for it anyway. Which of you gets which name is something that is still up for debate. If both of you are girls then whomever looks like a Katy or a Penny gets that name. With boys, the first one gets Daniel Logan. Boy and Girl, Daniel Logan for the boy and we will have to see about the girl. Regardless, by the time you read this you will know what your name is. It may be none of these. Whatever it ends up, I am sure it will be right. I am sure that having both of you is right so your names must be.

FMK - Your dad is an emotional wuss

I have a confession. Your mother and I went to the doctors to have an ultrasound done. This was yesterday, the 14th. During this ultrasound, I wanted to cry more than a hundred times. I saw you. Both of you. For real. I saw your hands and feet. I saw your hearts and I heard them. It was so entirely awesome. Your ears are where they should be and your noses are too. It even seemed like you were waving to us. I was moved. I was profoundly taken aback by the fact that I was looking at my children. I wanted to cry tears of utter joy but did not. I had to look tough in front of the tech and doctor (that is my job as a dad after all). But I wanted to. See, I never used to cry. I cried at funerals and whenever else appropriate. But I did not cry at anything else. Now it seems like I well up at damn near anything. Especially anything to do with fatherhood. I suppose that's normal. I suppose that since I am a father who cares, that is how I am supposed to feel. But, I am still going to blame all of this on your mother. She made me watch a movie, What Dreams May Come. She thought it would be sweet and that I would get it. And boy, did I get it. I have never cried so hard at a movie in my life. Seriously, it was embarrassing. I wept. I tried to hold back and failed miserably. My eyes were red for days. And since then, little shit gets me going. Little things like a line in a movie. Little things like your pictures. I cannot help it. And that is ok. I know that I am going to cry when I hold you the first time. And probably a few times after that. I know that when I see you, I will lose it. This is primarily because a) Your mother will be crying b) your grandparents will be crying and c) your aunt will be crying. The three most important women in my life, your mother, grandmother, and aunt, will all be crying at the hospital. And I cannot handle that. I cannot handle when one of them cries. It kills me. It gets the waterworks flowing instantly. It kind of works out ok with your mom though because I can blame me tearing up at Wall-E on her. I can say that I am because she is. Don't tell her I said that though. But the day you are delivered? Forget about it. I am done for. As I was driving home from the doctors yesterday, I welled up. I did not full on cry because there was traffic. Nobody can cry tears of joy in traffic. Frustration, maybe. Joy, never. But I welled. And I want you to know now that I will not hide my emotions from you. I do not want you to hide your emotions from me. Boys or girls it is cool either way. Deal? Deal.

Taking it back

Just something I have to talk about. Everywhere I go I see things directed at moms. Not yours in particular but moms in general. It is very rare to see a dad-centric item. And I want to know why that is. Could it be that fathers the world over simply do not give a shit about their children? I highly doubt that to be true. I have talked to a few men who are really into being a dad. They, like me, cannot wait. Every magazine in the store about parenting is geared towards women. Most magazines that are geared towards women have something about being a mom. Most mens magazines have cars, sports, women, and entertainment as their primary focus. Why? Are fathers uninterested in their children because that is how they truly fell or is it that they are not told to care. And if they have to be told to care then they should maybe rethink the whole lifetime responsibility thing. This is a subject that really bothers me. Look in the aisle of any baby section. You will find a ton of packages for miscellaneous items that primarily feature women as the art. Every time I go into one of these stores I leave pissed. I take it as a slap in the face. I care about my kids. I am excited about being a father. And yes, I give a shit what kind of bottle is best for my children. I care about what type of detergent I should use or what type of car seat is best. I would like someone to write an article giving me advice on how to talk to my potential daughter when the boy in school ignores her. I don't know that shit. And not every woman has gone through the experiences that their daughters will have. Looking to join a womens group? No problem. Looking to get together with the guys and discuss some tips? Good luck. But that is ok. Because I am taking it back. I am taking back the role of father in this society. I will not be viewed as a man who does not care. I will seek out advice and try and help other men see that it is ok to care. And not just in a I love them 'cause they are mine kind of way. In a way that says I honestly care. We live in a world full of assholes. I know there are parents that do not care about their children, both men and women. I have met them. I have talked to them. It is no small wonder that our country finds itself in the state it is in now. I call for an end to absentee parenting. Would it be easier to plunk my kids in front of the tv and let some show educate them. Of course it would. I could let them get their advice from some anonymous person via the internet. I could let them a movie instead of reading the book with them. But I won't. Life is about balance. I will not deny my child me. I am awesome. And by proxy, my kids will be awesome. They will watch tv, it will not babysit them. They will play video games; the games will not teach them right from wrong. They will see great movies, and think about the world. My kids will contribute because I will be involved. We will walk the dogs, play in the park, sit and talk, and be involved.
So if you are a dad that happens along this site, become involved. Be a parent not just a provider. Talk with other dads about what is going on. What works and what does not. Be excited that you have someone in your life that will love you unconditionally and do every thing in your power not to fuck that up. Do not let society tell you what your role is. Decide what your role is. Wear your number one dad shirt to more than just the gym. Drink out of your world's greatest father mug in front of people, not just your kids. Be the type of dad you wish you were, not the one you think you can be.

FMK - Going to the doctor

All at once, going to the doctor is both fantastic and terrifying at the same time. On the one hand, I get to see pictures of you as you grow and develop. On the other, the doctor may get to say something is wrong. Now, there is one thing you need to understand about your dad. I am an optimist. I believe that every day is a good day. Some are better than others but I can honestly say that even with everything that has happened in our family, I have never had a bad day. I hope that I never will. So every time that I go to the doctors I think nothing but good things. I cannot wait to go and hear your heartbeats. I have not had the opportunity to do that yet and I cannot wait. For some reason, that will make everything more real. I mean, your mother is showing. I know that you are in there. But, I have not been able to feel you move yet and that sucks. I want to know that you are awake and moving. Hearing your heartbeats is concrete, it means I really am a dad. And that is awesome! I know there are a ton of things that can go wrong. Shit I haven't even heard of. But, I know that everything will be perfectly fine. I know that each of you will be healthy and happy. I feel it.
Unfortunately, I have not been able to make every doctors appointment that your mom has gone to. That upsets me. I want to be there for you. But, sometimes it cannot happen. Sometimes, life gets in the way. Work or some other responsibility pulls me away. I want you to know however that you are my main concern. If I have to miss an appointment it is for a damn good reason. I cannot promise that I will be at every visit. That is not something I can control. But I will be at every one I possibly can. And I will hear good news at each one.

FMK - Talking to you

So as I have said a few times already, you are supposed to be able to hear me. The thing is, I still find it weird to talk to your mothers stomach. I apologize for that. I want you to know that I will start talking to you, and soon. I find myself ready to start and then feeling stupid. How ridiculous is that? I know your mother is talking to you already. She has already said she was sorry for pissing you off and making you pinch her. I suppose that starting this blog is kind of a cop out for now. But, the thing is, I want to. I want you to hear my voice even if you cannot understand what it is I am saying. I want you to hear the voice of the man who is going to protect you and raise you right. I know you can hear me now but I want to address you. Right now I am a random sound that your hear every now and again. You probably hear more of the talk show hosts your mom listens to on her drive to and from work every day more than me. And that really is pretty sucky. I need to get over my silliness and talk to you. I need to tell you that I love you already. I don't even know what kind of kids you will be and I already am feeling the love. I really need to get a good pair of headphones and play music for you. And I will. I promise that I will get over it soon. I have to. After all, it's all about making you feel comfortable. Making you realize that when you hear my voice, you know it's me. The two of you and your mother are the most important things in my life. I will do everything and anything for you. I always have been that type of guy. Ask your mother one day about the things I would drop to go hang pictures.
So in summation, contact coming soon.

FMK - No superbowl repeat

Well, shit. The New York football Giants got beat by the Philadelphia Eagles today. Your grandma and aunt were here to watch the debacle. If you can here now like the doctors say, I am sorry. We were very loud and obnoxious. That's how it is sometimes though. See, last year the Giants won the championship. This year, they started out well and fizzled in the end. Expectations were high. Let downs were massive. The lesson here is that no matter how good you are, on any given day, someone may be better. That is something I want you to learn. You may be great at a particular thing. You may be the best. But, you never know. I think that is an important thing to learn and learn early.

FMK - Baseball

Baseball is the greatest game ever conceived by man. Period, end of story. In the month of March, you will be going to your first baseball games. They will take place in small stadiums. They will be watched with real baseball fans. And, they will be Yankee games. I am jealous. Now I know that you will not be able to watch the games. But, according to the doctors, you will be able to hear them. My first baseball game was at Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia, a stadium that no longer stands. The game featured the Philadelphia Phillies against the Montreal Expos, a team that no longer exists. The stadium was a dump. The city itself is quite frankly a dump, though it does have some really great historical areas and good concert halls. I do not remember who won the game. All I remember is that the hot dogs were the best I have ever tasted and the sounds of the game were amazing. There is nothing in this world like the sound of a well hit ball coming off of a bat. It is singularly true. I am glad that you get to hear that sound, as well as all the others associated with baseball, during a Yankee game. You are already spoiled.

FMK - Language

I figure I should get this out of the way now. I agree with George Carlin. There are no bad words. There are words that are right for the situation. I do not believe that I am going to be the type of dad who censors things from my children. With some exceptions, I think everything is pretty much fair game. And that includes language. In the short life of this blog I have used some colorful language. And I will continue to use colorful language. As I said earlier, I do not want to lie to you. Your father curses, a lot. It is simply how I talk. I am not ashamed. I do not think it makes sound uneducated. It simply is what it is. I will say shit on here. I will probably drop a fuck or two for good measure. There are two reasons for this. One, I think you will get a kick of out this when you read it. Two, your mother makes a really funny face when she reads a post and sees that I cursed. Her funny faces are the best funny faces I have ever seen. I do what I can to see them on a daily basis. I know you will love them too. She rules.
Back to the point though, there are no bad words. Certain words are appropriate for certain situations. When you wake up in the middle of the night to go pee, and stub your toe, if you don't say at the very least, "Shit!" then something is wrong with you. Plus to be honest, little kids cursing is about the funniest thing in the world. It truly is. Your cousin Torie called your mom aunt Tits for awhile and I laughed every time. It never got old. And it never will.
PS - If anyone happens to read this and thinks, my god, how can he say such things, I would simply like to remind you that everyone curses. Some of you pretend you do not but you do. It is OK. Stop living with the guilt and let those nasty things you say to other drivers when they cut you off out. You'll live longer.

FMK - Waiting

Right now it is January 8th. The two of you are not due to be born until sometime in June. That sucks, a lot. I have wanted to be a father for the longest. I need to do it. My own father, whom I love very much, died when I was 13. At the time, my father was a superman who could do no wrong. As I got older, I realized that he had done wrong. He was not perfect. He had issues that eventually caught up with him. Since that time I have wanted to be the father to my kids that I never had. I did not spend much time with my dad. That breaks my heart. He was not there for so many important things in my life. It is something that will bother me for forever. I cannot begin to express how much it angers me that you will never know him. And I cannot express just how much it means to me to not make those same mistakes. I have played out in my head thousands of times what your lives will be like. What I picture is probably not even close to what they will be. But, that does not matter. What matters is that I will be there for you. I may not always be the dad that you want, but I will be the dad that you need. We will disagree. We will fight. I will punish you and you will go to your room and tell your friends that your dad is an asshole. That he is unfair. That he sucks and does not understand. I know this because all kids say that. However, I do understand. I do know what it will be like. I already did "it". And you know what, as odd as it may sound, I cannot wait. There are so many things that I look forward to. Everything is what I look forward to. I am going to screw up at times. Like everybody else I am not perfect. Pretty damn close but not quite there. What matters, I think, at the end of the day is that I want to be a good father. When I am gone I want you to look back at the times we had and say, "my dad was a good dad." That is what matters to me. I want to deserve you. We live in a pretty fucked up world. Bad shit happens every day. There is downright evil at work. It is my job to protect you from that. It is also my job to show you the good. Because for as many awful things that exist, there are more fantastic things. There are things in this world so astonishingly beautiful that it almost makes me well up when I think about them. (And I say almost well up because now that I am going to be a father, I have to be tough.) Things like the smell of a baseball glove. Things like early morning when everyone else is asleep and for just a moment, you are king or queen of your own little world. Things like how your hands feel after you have just eaten a bag of really buttery popcorn at the movies. Things like watching the first sunrise of the new year on a beach in Melbourne, FL (more on that later). All these things are mine to show you. Waiting for it sucks big. Like super big. The brass tacks of the situation are these, I promise to try my best to be my best. Until that time in June, I will continue to write to you. Every night if I can. I will continue to write to you after you are born. This is where I start.

FMK - Your names

The simple fact of the matter is this, choosing names for your children is incredibly difficult. What name do I want to call you by for the rest of your lives? Boys names vs Girls names. Do we name something safe like John or Sarah? Do we go adventurous? Do we lose our collective minds like celebrities tend to do? Apple, really, and Bronx. Seriously? The way we figure it is that you will get a "regular" first name and an "interesting" middle name. Those names will be taken from people in the family already, Daniel or Richard, and from pop culture we like, Parker or Logan. See, I am writing this now really to confess that you, boys or girls, will probably end up named for a comic book character. This way, if anyone tells you differently, you can have it in writing. The problem is that I am a Marvel fan while your mother is a DC fan. And there is no denying that DC characters have garbage names. ( I really wanted to write shitty instead of garbage but I showed some restraint. Go me!) So, not only will you be named after comic book characters but they will most likely be Marvel characters. What this means at its core is that you are never allowed to not like Spiderman or Wolverine. If you end up hating the names we chose, please know that we tried to pick names that were cool and functional at the same time. And sorry, you can always change them later.

FMK - An introduction continuation

Picking up where we left off...
Your father buys toys. There, I said it, it's in the open and I am not ashamed. Your mother and I, as well as your Mema, have had conversations about what to do when we have to make the differentiation between your toys and daddy's toys. A bridge to cross eventually. Know that this will probably never stop. I will take you to the toy store, to get something for each of you, and come home with something for myself as well. Don't be upset by this. You are not an excuse to buy toys but an reason to share a hobby.
I also want you to know that music is a giant part of my life. I hope it will be a huge part of yours as well. I listen to everything. Classical to Hip-Hop, Country to Punk. I love it all. My favorite, and your mom's as well, is The Beatles. They are the greatest band that has ever recorded music. I cannot wait to share them with you. I also cannot wait to share The Ramones, Queen, Weezer, Aesop Rock, Rise Against, Bob Marley, and especially Johnny Cash. If anyone would ever replace The Beatles, it would be Johnny Cash. There are so many musicians I want you to hear. I want you to be moved by these songs as I have been. I want you to introduce me to new songs.
I also can play my own music. I sorta, kinda know how to play guitar. I will do my best to teach you if you want and play for you if you want me to.
I am not religious. I do not go to church. I believe in a God, not a ritual. I am a philosopher. Taoist if I had to pick. I will not force you to find religion and I will not deny you the opportunity to. I will let you decide what you believe.
I think that about covers it. If not, I can always edit these posts and make it look like I did a cracker jack job right out of the gate. The most important thing I can tell is this. I will never lie to you. I will never deliberately tell you a false-hood because it is easier. You may not always understand what I am telling you but it will be the truth. Your father is an honest man. Not perfect by any means, but trying to be good. I believe that being sweet and honest, caring about people and things, is what it takes to make it in life.
I hope this estimation of me adds up to something like what I am. It is really rather difficult to write down what makes me, me. I think I did good. And if I did not, your mother will let me know what I missed. She's good like that. You are very lucky to have her. I am too.

For my kids - An introduction

Before I start, for future reference any post directed to my kids will start with FMK. Any post directed at a general "you" will start with FAE. Now, that sounds a bit snarky I know. And I am not saying that if "you" happen to come along you should skip the FMK posts. I merely want there to be separation so that when my kids read this blog one day, they can skip the silly shit and get to the things meant for them. But, I digress.
Well, the first thing you should know about your mother and me is that we are both full fledged, unabashed geeks. We wear our geek pride like a shinning beacon of awesome. I would argue that I am more geeky than your mother but, she is pretty close.
At the time of this writing I am currently 28. I will be 28 when you are born. And I will be 49 when I can take you to a bar legally. I don't know why that was something I wanted to know but there it is. I am a teacher, reading, middle school. I cannot wait to read to you. I hope that you enjoy reading as you get older. I want you to read before all the other kids in your school. That is my goal. For my twins to be reading before anyone else. Again, not sure why, just because.
I read a lot. Comics, Magazines, Books, everything really. Your mother and I have already bought a few books to read to you. It is not much now, but your library will get larger. I suppose that will give you something to fight about, which one gets which book. At least, I want you to care about the books we get you. It is something my parents did for me and I loved it. Especially Mercer Mayer, Golden Books, and books about trains. To my young mind they were amazing. They laid the foundation for my love of reading today.
I also love trains. Like, love them. Don't know why, just do.
Your dad is also a big movie geek. It is how your mother and I met. But that is for another time. Suffice it to say, movies will always be a part of our lives. We have already started planning what movies we want to show to you and when. And, I will admit this, since there are two of you I want to show one episode 1,2,3,4,5,6 and the other episode 4,5,6,1,2,3, just to see what happens. I cannot believe that I am looking forward to family movie night. I promise that we will not show you any shitty movies on purpose. I cannot promise it will not happen by accident however.
Going along with movies is television. Again, your mother and I are big fans of serialized television. Our favorite, is Doctor Who. I cannot wait to experience that show with you. It is bad-assery that cannot be beat. David Tennant will always be my Doctor. I wonder who will be yours. There are many others that I won't list now but remember, Friends is utter shit no matter what mom or uncle Brian say and the funniest show to ever be on tv is The Honeymooners.
I will end today's post with the following. The New York Yankees are the greatest team to ever exist. EVER! And I really hope we can pass our love of the Yanks to both of you. And I really, REALLY hope neither of you turn out like your uncle Nick and like the Mets just to be pains in the ass. Although, he is back on the Yanks side now that he has seen the error of his ways so it's all coming up Milhouse I suppose.

First - To my kids

I suppose this is as good a day as any to start this. There is a new doctor (more on that when you are older), and things are good. I'm not sure who you are yet, boys/girls, but I do know that there are two of you and that in about five months, I get to meet you. I can tell you that I am excited, elated, terrified, overjoyed, worried as hell, concerned, nervous, stoked, and about a million other adjectives right now. I have questions that for the moment must remain unanswered as there is no one to answer them. Rhetoricals that I think about everyday. In this little bit of space, I will talk to you, let you know what is going on. I think it is important for you to know how I am feeling throughout this. I do not have the luxury of asking my dad what it was like waiting for me. So, I want there to be a record. I'm not sure exactly how this blog will work, what I will end up writing. But I do know that it will be written because of you. And I know that this entire journey is going to be fantastic!